29 September 2008

monday's piece of advice

this week, we here at the b.c. strongly endorse getting together with some old friends. it's a good time of year to do that sort of thing. tonight i will be engaging in a battle of the gambling arts with this old married guy and this shady character, both of whom i haven't seen in a while. and that will be awesome.

it reminds me that sometime in the near future i need to sit down and have a meal with this dude.

make this week like a high school reunion for your life.

28 September 2008

this is good

oh yeah, and don't roll the new spike joint miracle at st. anna until he adds a white soldier to his quartet of heroes.

25 September 2008

looking forward to seeing the (w)hole of asia

i mean, c'mon, it's a catherine breillat film after all. which means you will see more lips and assholes and wieners than at a hot dog factory. and instead of all this amounting to eroticism, the last mistress will most likely engage your brain quite a bit more than it will your libido. which is good for the facet of my personality that zach proctor refers to as "femnazi."

with that said, i will most definitely be checking out the last mistress when it plays landmark this week because frankly, breillat has never failed to entertain me despite the often flawed philosophical/politcal reasonings behind her exploration of sexuality on film.

we're rolling this way this week.

23 September 2008

rick dees circa 1989... you know... before montell jordan saved the world

this weeks edition of the tuesday tops starts like this...

depending upon your amount of social life, you may have recently come across the story about one of the homely white guys from the much underappreciated, early nineties pop sensation color me badd being arrested for creating what can best be called a public disturbance.(he hit his lady in public...not cool)

now if you are anything like me, you probably immediately asked yourself the questions you normally go through internaly when faced with a wonderous tidbit such as this, "do i care?" or my new personal favorite, "is this news?" and your immediate response was probably much as mine was, a resounding "no, not really." and you forgot about it and went about your day.

and that is actually kinda sad because i used to love the song i wanna sex you up as well as the follow up jam i adore(mi amore) but that sadness nowhere near compares to the amount of sadness that comes with the fact that when i wrote the above sentence i felt compelled to use the phrase "used to."

"well..." you ask, "why didn't you just say that you loved it?"

believe me... it's not because i don't love those songs. and it's not because i feel ashamed to admit it, because clearly i don't. i got over the fear of the cool music police along time ago and just started going with my gut. and my gut tells me that color me badd are good.

so why did i state that i used to love their songs?

color me badd came into existence in this odd nether world that has been nearly completely abandoned by today's retro radio. they came to the fore in a time that is almost looked upon as a musical wasteland, nestled somewhere between the eighties stardom troiga of madonna, prince, and michael and the grunge kids that killed the dance in rainy, crap music town seattle before montell jordan sprang up to save the world again for dancers by showing how we do it. this entire era of pop hits has been systematically swept under the rug by a crap system of radio formatting that over romaticizes crap new wave vomit like the human league while eshewing totally the pre grunge era.(and sadly the era that shaped my pre teen mind) seriously the only things you hear from that era are easy rock songs like bruce hornsby and walking in memphis, already established(fading)artists rare offbeat hits (river of dreams, call me al) and the awesome country songs like randy travis, alabama, and i got friends in low places.

every form of non danceable music has done a great job of never lettting the era completely slip into obscurity. other than the occasional bone thrown our way in the form of bobby brown's exquisite every little step, dance music fans from this era can't find any trace of it on the radio. and sadly i played my glen medieros tape until it popped so i can't roll with that either. i mean what zpl, you can rock rhythm is a dancer, but you can't hit me with salt and pepa's none of your business?

that's sad...
or at least it was until i decided to use the tuesday tops as a forum to try and bring that era back.

without further ado...the top 5 hits from when i was ten that need to be brought back

1. this is the coolest song ever

2. a novelty if ever there was one...with prophetic words form my girl downtown julie brown

3. as in, timbuk 3. a jam that in a fair world i would hear everyday. also featured prominently in one of my favorie episodes of head of the class in a video generated on computer by dennis blunden and arvid engin.

4. the aforementioned mr. medeiros

5. another all time fave

where for art thou rick dees...we need some friday night videos. stat.

22 September 2008

beer cannes selects...

this week we here at the beer cannes advocate:

choosing life
choosing a job
being nice to your neighbor and the person on the other end of the drive thru speaker
taking a little time for yourself
blasting lil wayne and summer breeze
not speeding because people in hurry are annoying
only being condescending to your friends and even then not really meaning it
did i say get a job...well then ask for a raise
you never know...it might work
always taking the oppurtunity to hold a baby(squishy)
never drafting a running back in the first round of fantasy football
voting for anyone or anything
leaving, if pacers enter the club where you are
watching trainspotting one more time...for the good old days gone by
watching a woman is a woman for the same reason
watching your mouth in front of kids
choosing a favorite huxtable offspring
taking the time to ask a legitimate "get to know you" question
listening for the answer
kissing somebody that's pretty
watching the umbrellas of cherbourg because it's pretty
not shopping at wal mart
smoking in a non-smoking bar
holding the door open for an old person in a brown sweater
always wearing tennis shoes...you never know when you may have to run
watching cartoons in imax
eating at locally owned resturaunts
going to bed early
and waking up earlier
being funnier
being better

18 September 2008

looking forward to ghosts and kisses at midnight

i am a sucker for black and white. and i don't care if something appears derivitave of jarmusch and before sunrise, as i can think of far worse things to emmulate. so with this in mind i will be checking out the film in search of a midnight kiss this weekend. what can i say, when they put out a preview like this i am almost sure to watch.

i will also try to check out the new ricky gervais film as i think that guy is pure gold and hearing his laugh alone is worth the price of admission. plus i saw him on regis and he described the film as "capraesque" and i am in the mood for something good natured, and tactful at the tail end of this cynical summer.

and the lack of tact will probably be what keeps me from watching lakeview terrace despite the fact that it is directed by one of my more beloved misanthropic and local favorite director neil labute. well, a lack of niceties, and an utter desire to avoid another overblown show from samuel l., of course.

whatever you watch, just go watch. it's important.

17 September 2008

putting down the haterade

it seems as if lately all i have been doing in the blogosphere is spitting awful bile into the face of some of the more vastly overrated portions of popular culture. batman, the coen brothers, coldplay and the colts have all felt recent dossages of my wrath, and even though i'm in a much softer, cuddlier mood today, i still must say that they all still deserve the verbal beatdowns that they have each recieved.

but today, with the onset of cooler weather and the first inklings of autumnal winds, i want to kind of turn over a new leaf, so to speak. for a short time i will attempt to unveil a kinder, gentler troy. one whose celebratory mood will hopefully permeate the atmosphere and hopefully cause my readers to turn a nicer glance on those things that they may normally overlook. after reading ryan's most recent blog in which he espouses the virtues of the hugely under rated and often completely under the radar nicky katt, i decided that i should be doing something differently. instead of spewing hate toward the overhyped, i want to shine the spotlight of my love down on some people and things that normally do not seem to get the credit which they so richly deserve.

with this in mind, i am again going to jump headlong into another(belated) version of the tuesday tops...

and present the top 5 most underrated examples of genius.

1. kevin nealon doesn't get half of the credit he deserves for being not only a great comedian, but also a really skilled actor. often labeled a poor man's chevy chase, i find it inconcievable that this guy gets no love after doing what i consider to be the best stint of anyone who has ever read the news on weekend update. his glib timing is far superior than chase's and his occasional forrays into sarcasm never smack one in the face as so many "drippers" of the craft often do. he is steady, and easy going, often times not even trying to appear funny, but letting the audience figure it out for themselves. check out his pseudo straight man turn in happy gilmore or his acceptance in being the constant butt of jokes in the show weeds and just bask in the soft glow of his hysterical, yet good natured comedy. in a chris rock comedy world where performers feel the need to hit the audience over the head with punch lines, nealon is a true master of subtlety. and he deserves more respect.

2. billy ocean is the only black singer in history to convince all the eighties, wall street coke monkeys that he was white, therefore allowing them to buy his albums in good consience. i used to get him and rick astley confused all the time when i was a kid, which is not a bad thing as rick rules too. but nobody beats billy. the songs loverboy and get out of my dreams are undeniable classics that seem to be forgotten by nostalgia buffs who fawn all over huey fucking lewis. billy ocean is badass, and he can get into my car anytime he wants.

3. paul thomas anderson gets credit, but it is not nearly as much as he deserves. sometimes it seems as if he is perpetually treated as the wunderkind that made boogie nights and that people just think the brilliance of his films arise out of "just another day at the office." as if it were that easy. this is because he often makes it look that easy. but it isn't, otherwise i wouldn't eagerly anticipate and await the next p.t. anderson offering. seriously...just the fact alone that there will be blood did not carry away the oscar proves how underappreciated this guy truly is. the coen brothers should make the first good move in their careers and give it back to him, where it rightfully belongs. he freaking deserves it.

4. dennis bingham is a great, great film professor who has the innate ability to discuss old hollywood films in a way that makes them pop with more relevance today than they had when they were released originally. his absolute love and adoration seeps into each of his lectures, but in a way that still allows him to cast a sharp critical eye towards them. i occasionally go back to the mecca of nu103 so that i can sit in on his lectures and feel refreshed and renewed in my dealings with the cinema. as a matter of fact, i probably need to get back soon as i feel it slipping away again. i highly recommend that everyone do the same. seriously just slip in the back and listen to him for awhile, he won't mind as long as a genuine interest is displayed. and if he asks, tell him that troy sent you to see what all the buzz is about. a true icon, and a completely undervalued educational resource in our city.

5. boz scaggs used to get no love from me in my teenage years because his name reminded me of the vile purveyor of ass-jazz named dave koz. but then i actually listened to what boz was offering me. and it was awesome.

6. evelyn "champagne" king has the most perfect nickname ever as her songs make me feel bubbly drunk like the carbonated concoction for which she is cited. she is by far the greatest of all the disco divas, turning at least 45 revolutions per minute worth of circles around bitches like the vile donna summer. enjoy.

and lastly i want to give a shout out to cover bands. cover acts get no freaking respect as they are relegated to the wedding/dinner party circuit even though if we are honest with ourselves we would admit that we would rather hear a cover of something like the stones or son of a preacher man than some shitty local band's crappy songs that contain no hook whatsoever. i was in columbus ohio last week basking in the warm glow of another ohio state beatdown when i heard this awesome band called the conspiracy band whose arsenal included songs as diverse as the aforementioned preacher man and a truly rocking cover of beyonce's otherwise putrid crazy in love. if you are ever in c-bus, perhaps visiting the wexner center, i highly recommend seeing if these guys are playing near you. check them out and imagine our city being overrun by good cover bands like this as opposed to all the "original" shitty local acts that we have. because singing along to a good earth wind and fire cover makes for a better time anyways, if not a better world.

a better world indeed.

16 September 2008

monday suggestions(belated)

this week beer cannes reccomends weeds.

and my readers say...no shit?..not you, bro...

and then i say that i mean the show, the show weeds.

get your mind out of the gutter.
even though the colts defense(not to mention special teams) enjoys company.

seriously colts...stop the run...and i will stop saying "you suck"

until then...watch weeds...it will cheer you up.

11 September 2008

looking forward to some haagen dazs

i don't want any of that bullshit ice cream...i want haagen dazs.

baghead was really fucking good.

this week not so much. i am probably in the minority here, but i hate the coen brothers. they are just kinda boring to me and frankly i have never been able to understand why they engender so much love from people. this new one looks like "no country for intolerable cruelty"... unfortunately the intolerable cruelty is probably directed toward the audience(most likely in the form of brad pitt's hammy as all hell performance) with malkovitch along for the ride and the always overwrought dialouge of the coen brothers, you can rest assured that this one will be a horriffic pork festival. i don't understand how these dudes continually get away with doing this terrible mix of thirties slapstick mixed with fifties gaeity with a crap dash of horse poo surrealism(generally when they work themselves into a corner) and critics still kiss their ass and can't manage to see through this bullshit for what it really is...sampling. seriously the critics that love this shit probably hate the newest kid rock song all summer long even though it does the same exact thing in its invention of a redneck rap over the piano of werewolves of london and the guitar of sweet home alabama. but then again that's the supreme hypocracy inherent in today's criticism. it's okay to steal so long as the theft occurs from approved areas. either way it's derivitave. and since i really only have time for one set of filmmaking brothers at a time (duplass) i will have to say that i like the kid rock song way better than any coen brothers movie i have ever watched. and that is sad as i already understand its novelty status.

fuck the coens. hacks.

seriously...burn before watching

and then watch this(something really awesome)

and if you thought that was as awesome as i do...
check this out

good times.
now go have a nice weekend. cheers.

10 September 2008

quality, it's all about the logo...logo

i know i'm slipping. this is supposed to be the tuesday top five(or as i am now calling it the tuesday tops), not the wednesday or thursday versions that i have been rolling out lately. but in my defense, i haven't really been partaking in the cinematic arts(or any arts for that matter) so i haven't necessarily felt that i have anything relevant to say concerning them.

frankly, my brain has been turned off since i got back from vacation. and then football came along and stole my attention. but i didn't want to drop another blog about sports so soon as i dont want to turn into a sports blog.

i was really strugling to find an interesting list hidden in the recesses of my largely empty brain so i just kind of let yesterday roll by me and failed to post the tuesday tops. i was pretty sure that i was gonna skip it all together until i was eating an early lunch today and it hit me when i opened up a bag of delectable potato chips.

now i'm not a foodie and even if i was i would leave that sort of thing to a good food reviewer like john peddie. no actually this isn't really about food at all. what hit me when i opened the chips was the idea that i really liked the pre eating joy that i experienced because i knew that i was in for a tasty treat. i knew this because the product came from a company that i truly trust to always deliver the goods. and it hit me...

the top 5 brands that beer cannes trust...(quality)

1. cape cod potato chips make my mouth water just thinking about their crunchy, kettle cooked goodness. i used to be all about the jalapeno and aged cheddar, but lately i have been feeling the robust russet. they are the only company whose non-flavored chips i will even deign to eat and they do wonderful things with flavors like not letting them completely overwhelm the natural potato flavor of the crispy nugget of taste gold.

2. jack links beef jerky makes my mouth water just thinking about its chewy, beefy goodness. i used to be all about the sweet and spicy, but lately i have been feeling the black pepper. they are the only company whose beef jerky will enter my mouth and they do wonderful things with flavors like not letting them overpower the natural taste dried of lean beef. as a former, decade long vegetarian, i am sometimes amazed at how much i love this stuff.

i know at this point readers are asking themselves if i really said this wasn't about food, but i had to mention both of those products as they generally make up my lunch at work and i love them.

3. the schick quatro like all razors is a little pricey, but completely worth it. i shave like once a week tops, but i find that every time i do it with this razor it is smoother than it was when i was twelve. i used to rock the mach 3, but once i went quatro, i chose a path that will never take me down the rough patchy trail of gillette again.

4. nascar and the nfl always bring the goods and give me something to idle away time with on a sunday afternoon. i find it funny that i can barely sit through a film over two hours in length, but that i will routinely be perfectly content to give upwards of four hours of valuable weekend time to the above brands. but unlike films, these two always always always deliver the goods. even a bad game or a bad race is still a heck of a lot of fun to me. plus its sunday, what the hell else are you gonna do.

5. k swiss tennis shoes are the bomb. when l.a. gear lit their last heel light, i became a k swiss guy. i love the all white look cause even when they are a little dirty they still feel so fresh and so clean. and the crest is dope. now if they could just get those lights into the heel.

6. the national baseball hall of fame and the town of cooperstown new york is the most awesome place that i have ever been to period. and i don't even like baseball that much. but since baseball has done a better job than almost anything else in human history of archiving its history, the place becomes magical. it transported me back to being ten years old, when i really liked baseball, and i even almost got a little emotional at the plaques of ryne sandberg and kirby puckett as i was smiling so big. i truly encourage everyone in the world to make the pilgrimage and get in touch with a little bit of the american mythology that is baseball.

quality abounds at the tuesday tops.

08 September 2008

recommendations revise into recaps(so and so sucks!)

it's monday and supposedly time for another film recommendation from the good folks here at beer cannes. but since nobody seems to actually go out and try to digest get these inspired nuggets i put forth, and since i am a lifelong obsessive over the national football league, i am going to switch gears for a minute and use my normal monday column to recap what it is that we have seen over the weekend on the gridiron.

week one always gets me a little fired up, and yesterday was no exception. there were very few players and coaches who managed to escape the label of "sucks," as i was in a particularly fired up mood over the half assed effort that i saw displayed by a few of the "players" that i saw play.

my very, very, very long list includes but is not exclusive to:

rams coach scott linehan sucks! and for that matter mark bulger sucks! as i cannot imagine a situation in which a team finds itself down by a ton of points and still only manages to target one of the best, most consistently productive recievers in league history(tory holt) only once for nine yards. but then again you were too busy being down by thirty and still handing the ball off to steven jackson so he could get tackled behind the line of scrimmage again and again. but then again we all knew that the rams suck!

randy moss sucks! more as a person than as a player. how would you know if bernard pollard's hit was "dirty" or not, as i recall you were too busy putting the ball on the carpet to have a good view of matt light pushing pollard into your beloved quarterback. do us all a favor and just start phoning it in like you did when you were in oakland. unless of course you need to roll up a parking patrol officer's knee with your car(a la tom brady)like you did when you were a viking. just shut the fuck up you ignorant piece of trailer trash and play football.

peyton manning sucks! there i said it. since when did this dude become jeff garcia dinking and dunking with a complete inability to throw the ball accurately over ten yards. that mutherfucker was shit yesterday and he was constantly leaving my man reggie wayne out to dry over the middle. he was lucky that reggie didn't get hurt...because that would have derailed this season in a real quick hurry. step your game up or sit on the bench, cause last night he hurt the colts more than he helped.

and since we are on the colts...marvin harrison and anthony gonzalez suck! drops and fumbles...or is that fumbles and drops...hell i don't know, both names probably fit both guys. remember the good old days when marvin used to just fall down when he caught a ball over the middle instead of getting stripped while trying to make a play. marvin, you are not t.o. or andre johnson, or any other 6'5" 225 lb behoemeth. you are a little dude who needs to play as soft as all the rest of the colts not named wayne or sanders so that we can keep the chains moving in our new 3 yards at a time offense. i mean it's not like you were playing the colts defense or anything.

and speaking of the colts defense(not that there is much defense to speak of) keyunta dawson and ed johnson ssssuuuuuccccckkkkk!!!!!!!! matt forte ren it straight through those non existent defensive tackles only to find huge holes because freddy keiaho sucks! too. mind your gap and stop giving up the big play you dipshit.

saints wide reciever marques colston sucks! he plays so soft(coming out because of a thumb booboo) that i am suprised he doesn't wear the blue and white.

there are a ton more that i just don't have the energy to mention now(derek anderson)

on the college side of things i was really pulling for san diego state to beat notre dame because, you guessed it, notre dame and especially charlie weis suck! fat bitch. i was also pulling for emily's alma matter ohio university to knock off the sweater vest...but i will leave this one to my alpha dog lendale white...

hell yeah...they suck! more than the two of my readers who voted that they would rather hang out with screech than urkel. screech sucks!

urkel rules...a lot like these dudes:

former indiana university and current new orleans saints cornerback tracy porter who had a huge first game in the nfl completely locking down joey galloway and providing nice physical run support. like marlin jackson(who also doesn't suck)

drew brees was huge too. unlike peyton, when he dumped it down to his running back, he found reggie bush with enough space to pop some big ones and reggie bush did exactly that. i haven't been so impressed with that guy since he was on the usc payroll.(or at least since he tagged the bears for that one in the nfc championship a few years back) i wish he would have flipped into the endzone.

i want to see brandon jacobs and marion barber start at opposite ends of the field and run full steam until they collide at the fifty yard line. thos guys are like the running of the bulls and the force of that big bang might start a whole new universe.

and did i mention how much i love reggie wayne...badass.

and finally in my recap, i feel i have to make an open plea to colts fans on this one.

please...show at least a modicum of class about the tom brady injury. i realise that class is hard concept for the obese, ignorant population of this city to grasp sometimes, especially considering that in the wake of the injury most colts fans were running around like we had been annointed super bowl champs before the bears came in and rolled us up in our new house. just imagine if the shoe was on the other foot...actually last night that might not have been half bad.

06 September 2008

top five things shane white doesn't care about

you asked for it...

1. personal hygeine...smell for yourself

2. books...can shane even read?

3. beers 4,5, and 6 of a six pack...because the first three get him ripped. lightweight.

4. anything cool...i mean you've seen his dvd collection right?

5. baghead...i don't know if he cares about this at all, but i wanted to mention it because it would have been the subject of my typical thursday "what i'm looking forward to post," but those jackasses who book films at landmark hate young people and only chose to schedule it twice a day because fifty five year old carmel bitches don't want to drag their bloated, browbeaten husbands to go see it.

and it depressed me so much that i just couldn't blog all week, until i listened to the wu-tang.

after laughter, comes tearz...

cinema is for the children

and as for monday's berr cannes selects...watch the duplass brothers awesome and hillarious puffy chair...especially after you go out and enjoy baghead as much as you will.

there that takes care of my weekly business in one nice concise package. i will be back at full force next week to hit you off with the raw.

beer cannes is for the children.