the top five films to make out to...

as promised...the innaugural tuesday top five

a long, long time ago, before this formerly fair city of indianapolis became the crumbling empire that exists before one's eyes today, there stood a beacon of hope and a pillar for all things cinematic known as castleton arts. one day, while immersed in a conversation about hal hartley, because this was the special time and place where one could do as such, a "naturally charming," yet infinitely tactless projectionist extrordinaire named ian yee bounded over the top turnbuckle like a third party wwf participant and joined the fray with this soon to be timeless nugget of wisdom:

the amateur, which isn't even its actual title(its just amateur) the amateur is my makeout film...well that and 2001 because you make out during the boring parts.

and thus this list was born...a good place to start the newly implemented tuesday top 5, and hopefully hopefully an essay of such quality that it becomes a fitting tribute to the enigmatic, yet generous spirit that is ian yee. these are the top 5 makeout films of all time.

1. amateur-hal hartley
when you're right, you're right...and ian pretty much hit it over the fence with this pick. hal hartley is mad cool, kinda like assayas, but in this one he eschews his normal over the top level of detachedness for a more cool, attainable level and thus allows for a massively erotic amount of sexual radiation to come through. this film has got amnesiacs who used to direct porn, a starlet of such product, and an ex nun who wants to break into the field all being chased by organized crime. sexy and tense, it is a film that warrants a little french kiss release.

2. blow up-michaelangelo antonioni
i don't like the idea of trying to make out to 2001(or any kubrick for that matter) because i don't feel like science, specifically the cold, precise nature of it employed by kubrick, belongs anywhere near the bedroom. so i go a tad more humanistic and put on blow up. there are still a fair amount of "boring parts" to make out during, but with a more natural, green hued freshness that works itself up into an desire, almost a need, for passionate outburst.

plus i always talk about how i think this is like a zombie movie in reverse, as david hemmings spends the whole film completely removed from participation in the emotional side of human existence. he slides down a bustling, sixties carnaby street, occasionally stopping to fuck hot models in between adventures into the public sphere like when he enters the hedonistic, animalistic ritual of the yardbirds concert. and he moves through completely unscathed, until he becomes interested and engaged and allows himself to transcend to the emotional level beyond merely fucking and in to lovemaking. and then he becomes one of us, his humanity doing him in after all. tell this to a smart girl...it's like the key to the city of smooch-ville.

and then tell them you copped my idea...you plaigaristic fuck :)

3. sense and sensibility-ang lee
anything with those sort of merchant-ivory, dignified repressed passions, is good. and since this isn't merchant-ivory and it's actually made by a good director, this one is even better. a film where the highest moment of romantic lust's release is when emma thompson tells hugh grant, "i very much esteem you." to which hugh stutters and stumbles his way back with,"i...very...much...........es..teem...you." practically makes you want to fuck right then and there because you're practically itching for something to happen and someone to just explode. plus the lush english countryside estates and kate winslet constantly pressed up in a corset give this film an air of freshness that belies the begining of any truly great romance.

4. beauty and the beast-jean cocteau
actually any version of this tale will do as it points out that you have looked in the mirror and seen your hairy disgusting ass and know that your rather lovely significant other will have to look past that to find a prince within. it sends subliminal messages that make her think you "get it." i chose this version because once in college i showed it to a cute girl who didn't even really like me very much and she ended up making out with me just as a sort of thanks for sharing with her this lovely celluloid experience.

5. any film that you yourself have made...
or anything that i have made for you...on second thought just go with the one i made, especially if you have a copy of le genou de b(the knee of the bee). its brilliant pastche of gorgeous romantic images and awesome, adoration inspiring music have all the qualities of a freshman year mixtape in that their sole purpose is the attempt to smatch a kiss...or was that to kiss a...nevermind.

6. any film by that fuck nut ken burns
not that i advocate watching them, but if one has to watch one of these windbaggy piles of poo, it better end with making out with a hot chick. and it follows the ian yee rule, in that there are usaually copious amounts of boring, terrible parts during which to make out. witness his latest, greatest travesty to the art of documentary...the democratic national convention film that he did for ted kennedy and all its un-objective glory whoring. i mean, leni riefenshtal was completely ostracized from society for making propaganda bullshit like this. i mean honestly, i hope ken burns remembers that when barack obama rides the ted kennedy, democratic sympathy train all the way to the white house and becomes just another stuffed suit in a long line of proved false prophets that he was a key cog in our nations machine like march towards the book of revelations. that, and that by doing so you commit an even greater sin and prove richard kelly right. you're a douche ken burns.

i gotta calm down...i'm gonna go try and make out.